My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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