im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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