The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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