I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
