in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Randomize
