Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
