Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize