I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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