Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
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