My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Randomize
