Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
