I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
