Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
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