Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Randomize
