i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
