Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
