If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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