Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
