Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
