Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
