I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I need to calm my uterus...
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
