If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
