i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
