I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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