alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
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