i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
