Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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