Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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