Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
