my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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