I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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