I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
