you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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