I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
