sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
i think i scared a bird with my dick
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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