Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
