i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize