She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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