So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
