time to smoke my breakfast
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
This is the prime rib incident all over again
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
