Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
