Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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