I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
