At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
nutella sex= disaster
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
