but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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