Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Even my vagina gasped.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
