i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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