i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
