Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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