I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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