I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
This show inspires me to have sex in space
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
