Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize