the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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