I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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