Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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