can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
MIDGETS
????
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
