one two three fourrrrnication!
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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