You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
